


Snape Gets a Little Knobby

by poplocknsonnet



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, M/M, This is crack, because they'll challenge you, dubcon, this is why you don't tell people you can write about "any ship"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-08 21:09:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14702370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poplocknsonnet/pseuds/poplocknsonnet
Summary: Snape has a little accident while attempting an illicit brew and gets a little "help" from Hogwarts' favorite sock-obsessed House Elf.





	Snape Gets a Little Knobby

Severus Snape paced the well-worn stone floor of his office. Frustration bubbled within him. Like Polyjuice Potion, it had been brewing for months now, and like Polyjuice Potion, was liable to explode if it went untended. The Head of Slytherin House wanted, no, needed, release. He would need to find a partner.

Severus whipped out his wand and with a short jerk, a small black book appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. He thumbed through the pages, muttering to himself as he went.

“No, Mulciber is in Romania right now, executing a disobedient doxy,” he said, “And Rookwood is out, he got Dragon Herpes from that slut in Transylvania.”

Soon, Severus had reached the end of his book with no better plan for relieving his tension than he’d started with. “Maybe I could hire someone?” he thought, dismissing the idea as beneath him. Severus Snape did not have to pay for sex. And besides, his Dark Mark would be visible and explaining that he was a double agent to a sex worker seemed only marginally better than trying to pick up prostitutes as a former Death Eater. This was the crux of his problem: everyone that he knew was otherwise occupied at the moment and he’d have to explain the Dark Mark in one way or the other to anyone that he didn’t know.

There was another option, one that didn’t require human interaction. He’d recently acquired a very rare, very dangerous potion from a seedy looking warlock in a bar in Poland. The man had told him that with proper preparation, the potion could be used to summon a succubus. He’d originally purchased the flask for research purposes, intending to use it to study the mechanics of demonkind, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

Having made up his mind, Severus quickly gathered all of the materials that he needed for the ritual. However, in his haste, he knocked the glass flask holding the precious potion off of his desk and watched as the flask, as if in slow motion, fell to the floor, shattering and spilling its contents everywhere. Severus swore - the contents of that particular flask were very dangerous, requiring strong magic to clean up, strong magic that he did not possess. He could hardly call Albus down to the dungeons and try to explain exactly what it was that he’d been doing - as tolerant as the Headmaster of Hogwarts was, Severus had trouble imagining him being okay with the Potions Master trying to summon a succubus. 

There was only one solution, really. House elves had the kind of powerful magic that such a mess required. He would have to call quickly - the potion was highly volatile and the more time that it spent soaking into the stone floor, the more dangerous the situation would become.

“House-elf!” he barked, “A Hogwarts professor requires your services!”

With a quiet  _ pop _ , an elf appeared. Severus groaned. Dressed in gaudily colored fabric and wearing so many pairs of socks as to make the elf’s feet resemble very thick boots, Severus immediately recognized the elf as Dobby, Lucius Malfoy’s old servant and a very eccentric individual, even by house-elf standards.

“How can Dobby help, sir?” the elf asked chirpily.

“Clean this up,” Severus said, motioning towards the mess that he’d created, “And be careful, there is powerful magic in the potion.”

“Dobby will do his best, sir!” the elf said, pulling a cleaning rag out of thin air. He leaned over to inspect the mess, bending at the waist to peer at the sinisterly bubbling potion.

Severus’ eyes were drawn to the motion, drawn to the oddly compelling way that the elf’s pillow-case garment hung over his bony rear. He shook his head, trying to clear the intrusive thought out, but it was no use - it was as if he’d ingested a whole flagon of Amortentia.

“Dobby,” Severus asked, hoping that he sounded offhand, “You have to obey the professors of this school, correct?”

Dobby nodded vigorously. “Oh yes, sir, house-elves must obey their masters.”

“And if I need to keep certain activities secret?”

Dobby puffed his chest out proudly. “House-elves keep their masters secrets!”

Severus grinned wickedly. “In that case, Dobby, I need you to do a very special favor for me.” He shrugged off his robe and stepped out of his trousers, freeing his erection from its clothy constraints. The bulbous protuberance sprung forth like a niffler presented with a cache of gold, except harder and slightly less furry. Dobby’s large pointed ears perked up, a sure sign of elven arousal, and his already wide eyes grew yet bigger.

“Yes, Dobby can help you with that problem, master,” the elf said lustily.

And then the ignored potion exploded because it had been left out too long. Everyone died.


End file.
